There’s a notorious gang – the Black Guerrilla Family (BGF) – that is, one could say, well represent in the Baltimore prison population.
Well, court documents have been filed in a massive racketeering case accusing 13 female corrections officers of colluding with the BGF — seven male inmates and several outside gang members.
Colluding may be a gross understatement.
Corrections officers allegedly smuggled contraband such as cellphones, drugs, and weapons to BGFers, and turned a blind eye on the BGF leaders running the outside gang from prison.
You know, garden variety collusion between guards and prisoners.
But, it turns out that several of the guards are also accused of being literally “in bed” with the BGF inmates.
Four of the officers became pregnant with prison gang leader Tavon White’s baby.
One of them got pregnant twice.
Say, what?
The web of relationships got sufficiently complicated that the Baltimore Sun developed an extraordinary infographic.
Don’t squint, below I’ll walk you through it and give you the link.
Marker’s Mark Bourbon may have made the single dumbest marketing decision ever.
They decided to stretch short supplies of Maker’s Mark by diluting it … by literally adding water.
The company must have been inspired by either:
(a) millions of teenage boys who replenished their dad’s whiskey bottle by adding water after taking a swig, or
(b) Chris Rock’s hilarious minute-long bit on ‘Tussin … which is guaranteed to make you chuckle.
.
If you run out of ‘Tussin, no problem.
Just put some water in the bottle and shake it up.
Just like that … mo’ ‘Tussin … mo’ ‘Tussin
* * * * * OK, back to the Maker’s Mark story …
By now everybody has probably heard that Maker’s Mark bourbon got themselves into a bit of a mess.
The primary cause: runaway sales.
Why’s that a problem?
Well, bourbon whiskey takes a few years to age … and a couple of years ago, Maker’s Mark management bet the under on future demand and didn’t start enough MM flowing through the distilling process.
So, Maker’s Mark can’t meet the market demand.
They can ramp up production, but the new brew won’t be ready for 6 years.
So, what did the jabrones decide to do … and why is it a problem?
OK, let’s start with the garden variety doping allegation.
Several news sources reported that Alex Rodriguez of the Yankees was “ensnared in a doping investigation once again when an alternative weekly newspaper reported baseball’s highest-paid star was among a half-dozen players listed in records of a Florida clinic the paper said sold performance-enhancing drugs.”
Technical question: What the heck is an “alternative weekly newspaper”? What is it an alternative to?
The Miami New Times said the three-time AL MVP bought human growth hormone and other performance-enhancing substances during 2009-12 from Biogenesis of America LLC, a now-closed anti-aging clinic in Coral Cables near Rodriguez’s offseason home.
Another technical question: What the heck is an “anti-aging” clinic? Glad to see it closed.
The New York Yankees third baseman issued a statement denying the allegations.
Now let’s move to the jaw-dropper: Raven’s LB Ray Lewis Accused of Using Performance Enhancing Deer Spray.
Dennis Miller has been on the campaign trail with Romney this week. I’m betting that he wrote much of Mitt’s Al Smith roast material … it’s pretty funny with a bit of edge.
Here’s the video … worth watching. My fav punch lines are below.
“Usually I get invited to events like this to be the designated driver.”
“This show is brought to you by the letter O and the number 16 trillion”
Re: debate prep: “I just abstain from alcohol for 65 years.”
Re: debate: “Big Bird never saw it coming.”
Overheard Pres. Obama: “So little time, so much to redistribute”.
“Polls are now showing Obama leading from behind”
Obama to the Pope: “Just blame everything on John Paul II”
Obama to voters: “Are you better off now than you were 4 weeks ago”
Tomorrow’s headline: “Obama engages Catholics, Romney dines with rich people.”
Architecture and design studio Kawamura-Ganjavian has announced the innovative Ostrich Pillow – essentially a combination pillow & hat that lets would- be nappers kick back or plop down wherever they may be.
The pillow features holes for your head and hands, and “has been designed to allow you to create a little private space within a public one.”
Last Thursday nite I was dismayed to watch Clint Eastwood live delivering his now infamous chat with Obama-the-empty-chair.
I thought the skit diminished the prime time pitches by wasting valuable time and setting, setting a wrong tone, and potentially monopolizing the next day news cycle.
Maybe I was wrong …
I think the GOP lucked into something.
First, the Eastwood pitch went viral … landing some grand symbolic punches on Obama (emperor has no clothes, empty suit, etc.) …. and coining a new pop culture expression: “Eastwooding” .
Just Google the word and you’ll see what I mean. It was most-Googled over the weekend.
Here are my favorite web posts … and the White House’s response.
I guess, sometimes it’s better to be lucky than to be smart.
More than any other bodily injury, getting hit in the family jewels is probably what every man dreads most … of all the spots on the human body, none register the same kind of incapacitating, end-of-the-world pain .
What causes such inconceivable pain?
Well, for starters, because of nerves, it’s gonna hurt.
Unlike most other parts of your body, though, the scrotum lacks protection in the form of bones, large muscle mass, and fat …. it absorbs the whole force of the blow all on its own.
Second, the groin has a ridiculously high number of sensory nerve endings, and such generous innervation makes good and bad touches alike very “noticeable” sensations.
And the pain doesn’t just stay down there … It radiates throughout the groin and up into the abdomen (and, psychically, out to every other dude standing within a few feet), leading to a weird stomach ache.
This is the work of a phenomenon known asreferred pain, which is when a sensation originating at one spot travels along a nerve root to other parts of the body and is perceived as happening there, too.
The pain starts in the groin and travels up the perineal and pudendal nerves and the spermatic plexus … to the abdomen and around the spine.
* * * * * Design flaw ?
Why is such a sensitive and delicate body part just hanging there in the open?
The placement of the testicles is inconvenient, but absolutely necessary.
The testes’ job is to produce sperm, and sperm are very fragile. They’re extremely sensitive to high and low temperatures, and must be kept away from the rest of the body.
They can handle human body temps for only one to four hours, or the average amount of time it takes them to travel through the female reproductive tract and fertilize an egg.
Internal testes or any type of significant shielding for them would heat them up too much, too early and make them drop out of the race well before reaching the egg, rendering them useless.
Ken’s Take: (1) OUCH ! (2) Compelling proof that god is a woman.
He might cavort with video vixens and rap about diamond-encrusted grills, but Houston rapper Slim Thug knows a thing or two about living within his means.
The self-proclaimed Black Suze Orman penned a 47-page e-book (ahem, “financial manifesto”) called “How to Survive the Recession”.
Some of Thug’s wisdom:
“If you can’t buy it THREE times over, you can’t afford it.”
“Never buy a house with unnecessary space”
“Never have a Bentley with a Benz salary.”
“Why pop a hundred bottles when it only takes a couple to get drunk?“
“Dude, say you got a million dollar check … You got to pay damn near half of it to taxes.”
The Hill reports that last week in Pennsylvania & Virginia — to “up the tempo” at campaign events” — President Obama switched from using a teleprompter to using note cards.
Hmmm.
Isn’t that when Obama went on his impromptu rant about how government, not entrepreneurs build businesses?
This will be fun to watch.
* * * * * Flashback
This news flash provides an archives opportunity.
Remember when O’s prompter failed at a White House event?
Team Obama says you shouldn’t give a bride & groom a toaster or impersonal cash … rather, you should make a donation – in their namse – to O’s re-election campaign.
I tell you, I gotta plead ignorance on this thing, because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing is frowned upon…
You know, ‘cause I’ve worked in a lot of offices, and I tell you, people do that all the time.
Wonder if the Secret Service agents have tried George’s Costanza defense?
Might not work, but would at least generate some yuks.
The NYT revelations that Target has been mining its data bases to early-identify pregnant women and “change their buying behaviors when they’re vulnerable to marketing initiatives” has gone viral.
Two ancient legends of the Canadian Football League (no, not Warren Moon) got into a fistfight at an alumni luncheon Friday in Vancouver.
Joe Kapp, a 73-year-old former quarterback (and coach of the Cal Bears from 1982-86), punched his longtime rival Angelo Mosca, a 74-year-old defensive linemen and longtime professional wrestler.
The two have disliked other since the 1963 Grey Cup (the CFL championship game). Apparently in that game, Mosca delivered a controversial hit on Kapp’s teammate Willie Fleming, knocking him out of the game.
When Mosca and Kapp were introduced, the luncheon’s host, comedian Ron James, told Kapp to give Mosca an olive branch from a table setting as a peace offering.
Mosca, however, had an alternate suggestion as to what Kapp could do with the olive branch. Kapp didn’t care for that idea and slugged Mosca, who hit Kapp with his cane, then stumbled off the stage.
Chris Rock — comedian and actor – says that he’s “fine with the president,” because he understands that the president has to keep his most aggressive policies on the back burner until he earns a second term.
More specifically …
“There’s a f——— art to the first term because you’re always running for a second term the whole time. You can’t really do your gangsta sh— until your second term.”.
“ I want more action. But I understand that he’s trying not to piss off a lot of people. But I believe wholeheartedly if he’s back in, he’s going to do some gangsta sh—.”
On Friday, with time running out, President Barack Obama urged Americans to “tweet” their members of Congress to seek a compromise on a debt ceiling deal.
The President first begged for tweets in his primetime address to the nation last week. I thought enough people ridiculed the plea that he’d shelve it. Not so.
Maybe I’m old-school, but I think stirring up tweets is un-presidential – and diminishes the office,
What next? The too cool President calling for a flash mob on the Capitol Hill steps?
* * * * * Drill baby, drill
I’m a big fan of analytics and data-driven marketing, but …
The “Analytics Department” is looking for predictive Modeling/Data Mining specialists to join the campaign’s multi-disciplinary team of statisticians, which will use predictive modeling to anticipate the behavior of the electorate.
We will analyze millions of interactions a day, learning from terabytes of historical data, running thousands of experiments, to inform campaign strategy and critical decisions.
Noonan’s observation: It reads like politics as done by Martians.
* * * * *
My brand’s been hijacked !
Bumper sticker that’s popping up …. combines tweeting and brand image … probably not sanctioned by the Obama campaign.
AGT has passed CSI to become my favorite TV show – at least, for now.
Watching last night, I was struck by two ironic commonalities between AGT and the President’s speech on Monday night.
First, the headline act was a guy named Professor Splash who belly-flopped 36 feet into a kiddie pool filled with 12 inches of water.
Great metaphor for solving the debt crisis, right?
Second, the winners are, of course, decided by folks phoning and emailing to vote for their favorites.
After performances, acts would wave the number of fingers that corresponded to their act’s ID number.
If only, the President had waved and shouted “ … and press the number 1 if you want balance and compromise” when he implored people to call and write to members of Congress.
Agree?
* * * * *
P.S. Since you asked: My current favorite acts are Silhouettes – a choreographed group of kids that dance into amazing formations behind a screen to create artistic silhouettes …. and Prof. Splash – partly because I love the name.
I learned years ago that anybody can just start calling themselves “professor” and write a blog.
If this dude gets up to, say, 50 feet for his belly-dives, he deserves the $1 million. And, if he dies trying, his widow should get the money …
Here’s the video I’ve been waiting for…Warren Buffett – often quoted by Pres. Obama since he’s a fan of higher taxes – defending his honor as a corporate jet owner.
Guess Buffett doesn’t like being lumped with tanning salons.
Mark Halperin – editor=at=large of thinly read, left-leaning Time magaine said on live TV that President Obama acted like a (blank) during his press conference yesterday.
Watch the clip to fill in the blank … worth watching.
Sorry, but my sophomoric side is relishing the Weiner-roast.
The headlines are hilarious: e.g. “Is that your weiner?”
Now, Congressman Weiner is telling people to forget about his weiner so he can get back to his serious Congressional business, e.g. his self-claim of sending out 300 to 400 tweets per day … which, incidentally, is about a tweet-a-minute.
This was the second of 2 VERY funny virals posted last Friday on the HomaFiles … some folks didn’t scroll down below the “Dog Tease” and missed it, so here it is again .. be sure that audio is turned on.
The 48-year-old, red-haired mascot has come under fire from health-care professionals and consumer groups who, in recent days, have asked the fast-food chain to retire Ronald McDonald.
But McDonald’s CEO says, “Ronald McDonald is going nowhere.”
“Ronald McDonald is an ambassador for McDonald’s, and he is an ambassador for good.”
There’s no doubt that Ronald McDonald is well known. He ranks fourth in consumer awareness out of 2,800 celebrities.
“Ronald is recognized by more than 99% of U.S. consumers. Of course, just because consumers know someone doesn’t mean they like them or trust them.”
* * * * *
Some image consultants are beginning to question how relevant Ronald McDonald even is to kids anymore — and whether he has kept pace with McDonald’s own reinvention.
McDonald’s has modernized its image in recent years by remodeling restaurants … by selling frappes and fruit smoothies and by offering free wi-fi to customers.
“Mascots were heavily used in the mid part of the last century, but not so much anymore unless you’re an insurance company and you have a duck or a gecko or a caveman,”
“I’m not so sure Ronald is keeping up with where the brand is going. I question whether he’s still meaningful or a throwback to the last century.”
More than 550 health professionals and organizations have signed a letter to McDonald’s. asking the maker of Happy Meals to stop marketing junk food to kids and fire Ronald McDonald.
The campaign is organized by the nonprofit watchdog group Corporate Accountability International, which has also targeted tobacco companies and beverage makers like Coca-Cola and PepsiCo for the environmental impact of plastic bottles.
The letter from the health providers urges McDonald’s to cease marketing food high in salt, fat, sugar and calories to kids, from the use of Ronald McDonald to Happy Meal toys.
Some of the comments to the WSJ article:
Unemployment among clowns will increase by one
Toucan Sam & Captain Crunch better watch their backs
Col. Sanders is probably rolling over in his grave.
Wonder if there would be such a ruckus if the clown possessed union representation ?
Clowns are increasingly creepy
I urge more health care professionals to shut the h#ll up and wash their hands more!
The “Eat Healthy” Obama White House Super Bowl Party menu: Bratwurst, Kielbasa, Cheeseburgers, Deep Dish Pizza, Buffalo Wings, Twice Baked Potatoes, Potato Chips, Ice Cream
Michael Moore will make a movie “How to eat healthy foods” and will earn another $ 100.000.000 slamming the greedy capitalists.
Add your comments … best one wins a free Happy Meal.
When President Obama released his birth certificate on Wednesday morning, he remarked: “We’re not going to be able to solve our problems if we get distracted by sideshows and carnival barkers.”
In the process, Obama ended up starting a new controversy — with America’s carnival barkers
Many in the carnival community were not amused by the mention of their industry.
The editor of Carnival Warehouse.com, a website dealing with the industry, thought the president should be more sensitive about singling out groups when making disparaging comments.
“I think what Obama said is the same type of stereotype that has been placed on African Americans.”
“You wouldn’t expect those comments from someone who is a minority and has faced prejudice.”
The following email was recently sent by the Dean of Northwestern’s Kellogg School of Management.
In a nutshell: oops !
Subject: Message from the Dean
Dear Kellogg community -
I wanted to personally write to you about a situation that has received some attention.
During a visit to the U.S. two months ago, Khamis Gaddafi, son of Muammar Gaddafi, attended a non-degree executive course at Kellogg from Feb. 9 – 11 at the Allen Center.
The U.S. State Department was aware of his visit, which occurred prior to the uprising in Libya and before the recent, very troubling allegations against him surfaced.
Our community shares a commitment to respecting human dignity and the integrity of our learning environment.
The Office of the Dean plans to actively review all of our enrollment procedures and criteria, and will determine any changes that need to be made.
Dean, Kellogg School of Management
Northwestern University
Bottom line: Sons of tyrants will no longer be given admissions preference.
“New York City has a new service that lets you fight a traffic ticket online. To make it feel like you’re talking to a real clerk, your computer will spend the whole time chewing gum and talking to a friend on the phone.”
… at least the computer won’t be getting fee healthcare and an oversized pension.
Avoid the guy who calls you ‘Chief’. He doesn’t remember your name.
Avoid the guy who went to Hotchkiss and Yale and wears Nantucket reds during the summer. He doesn’t think you belong.
Avoid the dim-witted back-slapping managing director. He’s not as smart as you are—but he’s been throwing guys like you under the bus since you were in grade school.
Avoid the consultant hired by the dumb managing director to do his math for him. Not only will he throw you under the bus, he’s smarter than you are.
Avoid the guy who always wants you to be his alibi when he cheats on his wife. (“Hey man, is it cool if I tell Kathy that we’re going fly fishing in Canada this weekend?”). No, dude: It’s not cool.
Avoid the guy who keeps failing the CFA Level 1. He’s looking for someone to blame.
Avoid the girl who cries at her desk. (You can ignore my advice on this one—but either way, you won’t make that mistake twice.)
Avoid the guy who offers his clients ‘a very special opportunity’ to invest in anything. He has a problem with cocaine.
Avoid any man who has floppy hair after age 30—he’s a complete toolbox.
Avoid the guy who throws his phone across the trading floor whenever his positions go south. He’s an angry dude, and the more time you spend with him the more reasons he’ll find to dislike you.
Avoid anyone who tells you that you should relax and have a couple of drinks—at 9:15 on a Tuesday morning. You’re not cool enough to hang out with this guy.
Avoid anyone who won’t relax and have a couple of drinks—at 9:15 on a Thursday night. They’re not cool enough to hang out with you—and ultimately they’ll resent you for it.
Avoid any broker who tells you his client is going to DTC in 50MM in securities from Europe and he needs to borrow a C-Note. Just for the weekend. And this is the last time.
Avoid the banker who never seems to close a deal but still manages to remain employed. He’s got something ugly on somebody—and you don’t want to be involved.
Avoid anyone who tells you to ‘take one for the team’. He got where he is by convincing dopes like you to jump in front of an oncoming train.
Avoid the guy who tells you, “Seriously, all I do is work and then go home and lift.” He’s telling you the truth—and he’s as dumb as a stone.
Avoid anyone who sits within eye-line of your desk: They know what time you show up and what time you leave—and chances are they think you’re a lazy punk.
Avoid anyone who is ten years older than you are—and is still more junior in the reporting structure. He hates you more than you could ever imagine.
Avoid the guy who posts Facebook pictures of himself getting arrested at the Saint Patrick’s Day parade. The guy is fearless—and he thinks you’re a complete coward.
Avoid the guy who hangs his suit coat on the back of his chair to show off his suspenders. He either still thinks it’s 1985 or he’s trying to compensate for something.
Avoid the guy who can drink all night, take a shower, and come into the office as crisp as a $100 bill. He’s got an oxlike constitution—and it will be fatal to your career to try to emulate his example.
Avoid the guy who keeps telling you: “Without the back office, you overpaid clowns wouldn’t even have a job.” He’s right—but you don’t need to hear it.
Avoid the guy who won’t share his Adderall: It just speaks to his character.
Avoid anyone on Wall Street dumb enough to pick a fight with Bess Levin.
Avoid the guy who gets drunk and loves to brag about never losing in arbitration: He’s going to get indicted. (Trust me on this one.)
Palin got criticized last week for her reaction to President Obama’s State of the Union Address.
She simply noted that the President coined the slogan “Winning the Future” … and suggested the obvious: perhaps we should all start wearing buttons with the slogan’s initials “WTF”.
Well, liberal pundits hammered her for being crude and divisive.
Hmmm.
They didn’t squawk when Vice President Biden called ObamaCare a “BFD”.
Excerpted from: Digital Journal, Study: Certain male dance moves attract women, Sept. 8, 2010
Researchers in the UK have discovered what moves women find attractive while watching men dance.
The study used computerized 3D avatar figures to see what “key movement areas of the male dancer’s body influence female perceptions.”
There were eight “movement variables” that the women found to be either good or bad in a male dancer, including the size and variability of neck, torso, left shoulder and wrist movement – and the right knee’s speed of movement.
The women liked seeing “large and varied movements involving the neck and torso.”
“The dance moves may form honest signals of a man’s reproductive quality, in terms of health, vigor or strength.”
“This is the first study to show objectively what differentiates a good dancer from a bad one.
“If a man knows what the key moves are, he can improve his chances of attracting females.”
Steven Slater is now a national political punch line.
Remember Slater?
He’s the JetBlue flight attendant who flipped out on a flight landing at John F. Kennedy International Airport and quit his job out the emergency exit, carrying a couple of beers.
A new Republican spoof video shows congressional Democrats running from President Obama by bailing out of Air Force One – using the emergency slide.
“I’m coming to your hometowns!” a cartoon Obama says, before the bright yellow chute pops open and Democrats start to flee.
On Martha’s Vineyard, “Miss me yet?” t-shirts are outselling ones touting Obama.
As Martha’s Vineyard braces for the first family’s visit — their second summer stay here since President Obama took office — the excitement that marked last summer’s arrival of the fresh-faced commander in chief seems to have ebbed like the tide.
One barometer of the plunge in excitement has been the sale of Obama-themed T-shirts, which designers had been banking on after the craze of last year. Clothing labeled with the president’s name sold by the thousands, helping to salvage a tough economic year for the island.
But this year’s T-shirt sales are much less brisk, merchants say.
“Last year, Obama gave you goose bumps, but I don’t think you’re going to see that this year,’’ said Alex McCluskey, co-owner of the Locker Room, who sold more than 4,000 “I vacationed with Obama’’ T-shirts last year.
But so far this year, he said, his hot item is T-shirts of former President Bush asking, “Miss me yet? … How’s that Hope & Change Thing Working Out for You?’’
Letterman: The president is 49 years old, but it’s never a good sign when your age is higher than your political approval rating.
Leno: They got him a huge cake. He didn’t blow out the candles, he just taxed them until they gave up on their own.
Fallon: Today was President Obama’s birthday. All the Democrats were like “How old are you now,” while the Republicans were like “And where were you born?”
This is being internet-blasted … unlikely, but funny …
* * * * *
A few months ago, President Obama received a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado .
Colorado ranchers had protested some proposed government imposed changes in grazing policies, so the President ordered the Secretary of the Interior to fire half of the “cattle guards” immediately!!
Before the Secretary of the Interior could respond and presumably try to straighten him out, Vice-President, Joe Biden, intervened with a request that … before any “cattle guards” were fired, they be given six months of retraining.
At least they didn’t file a lawsuit against the Colorado cattle.
* * * * *
For those of you who have never traveled to the west, or southwest, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing over that area. For some reason the cattle will not step on the “guards,” probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails.
